Typings of a wayward hand

complacency (mudah puas hati)

quitting job. need to get back to kl and apply for uni. closing date 14th nov. hope i make it in time. lol. and my job sucks. need to update inventory, handle sales and keep all th records. which i suck at. and my uncle doesnt want me to go too early cos he doesnt know who he can trust for sales. havent managed to find a replacement yet. i’m not cut out for clerical duty. especially when i dont have a pc to manage all the info. if there was and i created a database everything would be much easier. but it isnt.

got too much to type. typing it all in free time at home. now in a note book/journal. used to hate writing (my hand writing sucks. lol). but been travelling, no pc to type out stuff. will update later. not like any1 is gonna read it anyways. lol.

going to start work this week. going off in 1-2 days. bandar tenggara in johor (near kluang). going to be alone there. which sucks. so hopefully i find a good cc nearby. at least i got a rig to accompany me. hurm.

my horoscope today. lol

You and a new person on the scene make a good combination — you balance each other.

hopefully female. but very highly unlikely. lol.

disclaimer:
ok. this is one of those posts that nobody wants to read.

after some self reflection over my past actions over the past year or so, i have come to a conclusion. i have become a grumpy young man. lol.
for one, i have become irritated much more easily by words. my ultra high tolerance levels have dropped a bit. and no, i dont get mad at people(not on a regular basis, about once a year). getting mad is for people who arent in control of their emotions. i just get irritated and fire off some heated words. if i were to get mad i would be spitting fire and plasma. usually. but i rarely get mad. really. cos if i get mad i tend to snap. which is normal right? it isnt? oh wait. so throwing objects and doing flying kicks isnt normal? anger management? me? …….. whatever.
ok, now that i’ve finished my bloody diploma, my priorities have gone abit whack. my excuse is that this is caused by my parents’ sudden pullout from the agriculture plan which somewhat left me in a lurch. leaving me to find out what i want to do with my life(for the 3rd or so time). and i havent gotten a job yet. temporary job til i continue with my degree in january (hopefully).
another thing that i am very much guilty of is not controlling my finances. it is at a critical level when you spend so much that you dont realise how much you actually spent in the past month. and both parents almost getting heart attacks when they found out that i ran out of money. and i dont wanna say how much i spent. helluvalot more than i should is the final word.
i’ve been a pretty bad son. even though i only meet my parents 2 times a year and mostly contact them through sms or phone calls, i have been more of a liability to them rather than an asset. i blame it on their pullout of the plan. of course, i havent been the most hardworking person either. and sorry for the hurtful words mom. but what you lied about was even more hurtful. i only said that in retaliation. and parents arent without faults. its just that i’m better at finding my parents’ faults. and it is very hard for me to say sorry. and actually mean it. blame my leo pride. and also blame my excellent memory. i might forgive but i dont forget. remember that if any1 reading this is actually planning on doing something not nice towards me.
it seems as though i’ve been a better friend. been more willing to help others out, been (somewhat) nicer to people (even the ones i cant stand) and as a result i have been somewhat used. not to mention becoming more broke as a result. another reason for the uncontrolled finances.
i think (not quite sure) that i might have become more annoying. i think that i’ve been talking about myself much more often nowadays and been revealing more (previously secrets) about myself. to the point of being somewhat narcissistic. this isnt based on what others say, but i’m just guessing. sorry for having to put up with me guys. my annoying levels levels have increased. and i seem to be more expressive of my feelings. which isnt like me.

i’ll try to be less narcissistic. i promise. talking too much about myself isnt really what i’m comfortable with. i used to keep every1’s secrets while revealing none of mine. and now i’m becoming the type of person i hated. damn.

went back to penang. met up with some friends, one even stayed over for the weekend coz he was lazy to go home (was from UNIMAP, back for the weekend n wedding) to help me oc and blow up my pc. lol. at the wedding met up with ex classmates from school. such a joyous occasion. except for the fact that not many people recognized me. yes, gaining 10 kg in 4 years (incidentally, havent met most of them in roughly 4 years oso) is almost as good as getting a face transplant. at the wedding, the bride is/was a close friend of mine. classmates that used to stay back after school for the after class tuition. most of the other students went back for clothes change/bath/lunch. and since i lived freaking far away from the school i had to stay back. so we had some pretty deep conversations. shared our secrets, and she sorta liked me for a while. but i guess i had a fear of commitment/laziness/get bored of people pretty easily so i said i wasnt ready for a relationship. or maybe i really wasnt ready. but then, erm, lets move on. so since i had a knack for identifying problems and knowing the right questions to ask and giving the right advice when it comes to emotions/pressure/problems(i think, or i decieve myself to believe that i have an analytical nature) , i helped her alot with various problems. and basically i knew many of her secrets. and some other people too, lol. basically i kept deep secrets of at least 4 people in just 2 years (form 4 and 5, and i just moved to that school at form 4). lol. i am not the prying type, but i guess when some1 knows me at a deeper level they open up to me easily. lol. not to mention i know when and what to ask. not to mention above average memory. which makes me dangerous to have as an enemy. could be a good political debater (used to be school debater but sucked at talking for long periods. lol) anyways, she used to like me, and i knew a helluvalot of her secrets. which makes the meeting at the wedding very awkwards. i didnt know what to say to her, and neither did she. and i have a tendency of making jokes which might seem offensive and inappropriate to others. so i kept my mouth shut. from my actions she could percieve me as snubbing her or something. yeah, i think about what other peoples’ feelings about me. empathy i guess. cos at the wedding when i was with the other friends i was much louder/jovial/funny. it could seem as if i had avoided her. which i might have. not too sure. and the dude that stayed at my place (one of my best friends) was having problems with his gf (also one of my closest friends. and i introduced them to each other). so basically i became the proxy and relationship counsellor for them. of course, 2 days isnt enough to patch up a relationship. and not when both parties are playing the blame game and not actually understanding what the other is thinking. if there is one thing that i know about being in a relationship (from my extremely limited experience, so yeah, u can say whatever u want about me and my relative inexperience), there has to be a bloody compromise. basically both of them had higher expectations of each other that werent fulfilled. so hurtful words were being thrown around, with some of the most hurtful ones being thrown by me (i have a low tolerance for stubborn people, and both of them were stubborn). lol. so my last advice was "if its too much trouble, it isnt worth it". the only thing where the opposite applies is in some business venture (if ur lucky) or in some game. and yeah, compromise. idiots these days dont know how to compromise. bloody idiots. and many malaysians in general are like that. here goes my "society in malaysia is dying" rant. every1 nowadays are selfish. courtesy and manners are at an all time low. ignorance, selfishness and just plain uselessness prevails. whiners are everywhere. (what? why r u looking at me?) all they do is complain and do nothing. but at least the people in penang are generally nicer than in kl. pay the toll, buy some food or groceries, buy some petrol, and u get a thank you. in kl that happens once in about every 1000 encounters. and there is more racial harmony in penang. in kl i can feel the racial tension at some places. ok, about the whining and complaining, last night was a good example. my sister’s housemate (technically my housemate) was sick (stomach sickness, turned out to be bacterial infection) and i was bloody tired. drove around in the rain and walked around the whole day, and the previous day drove 450km from penang-kl-shah alam-damansara on three hours of sleep. so naturally i was bloody fucking tired. but she asked me to drive them to the clinic. so i did out of good will. not for my bloody sis, for her friend. went to clinic, the doctor told us to go to the nearest hospital, since it could be appendicitis. and the nearest i knew was sungai buloh. my sis didnt know the way. but the car (her friend’s car) was almost out of petrol so i suggested filling up at a petrol station on the way. there were 3, but i wasnt sure if they were 24hours. and to go to a petrol station that we were used to would be detracting from the route (not on the way). and so we stopped at a petrol station which was on the way. which turned out to be closed (was 11pm). and then my sister proceded to complain. hell, if she didnt want to bear the responsibility of taking her friend to the hospital (she also didnt know the way) then at least have respect towards the person who is driving and navigating. besides, it isnt my fault the petrol station was closed. the last thing anyone (with a level head) would want in that situation is an argument. and i told her that. but she didnt listen. so i told her that she is being bloody immature (she is, for a 24 year old) and she started talking about me not working yet. and she neglected to remember the fact that she was bumming around for 6 months after graduation while i was only free for around a month (went to brunei, indon, helped settle some stuff with the new rented house). so yes, i guess her complaining and bossy trait was from our mom. stupids bitches. and yes, if any of you had been through what i’ve been put through by them (mom, mostly), u would have called them the same. and yes, i am angry. not verbally loud angry. i rarely reach that level. and if i do then the victim of the verbal assault would be put through a helluvalot of emotional and maybe physical pain (incidentally, the last time that happened was when my mom lied to my aunt and uncle about me regarding the cancellation of the agriculture plan they had for me. and that is fucking slander. i could sue. but i didnt. i just gave her a piece of my mind. and since my mind is so vast, the piece i gave her wasnt small). i used to be a calm tolerating person. but in the past year i’ve become more angry. and it isnt my fault. some people just dont have respect for others. and my sis and mom doesnt really respect me. i hope that this is one of the last blog posts that are in this type of tone. because i prefer being content and calm. and now i am calm but with pent up resent and aggression. which isnt my natural self and i dont really like it. bloody fucks. about the class gathering, i sent one of them back to USM transkerian (seberang perai). female. so i was talking about relationships with my problematic friend while the reason my heart was actually broken for the only time was in the back seat. and she didnt know it. of course, i used to be good at hiding my feelings and emotions. used to be very emotionally detached. still am, actually, except for anger. other emotions are still detached. so yeah, i was burnt once, and i sorta have a phobia of being in a relationship. or maybe i’m too lazy to put myself through all of that trouble again. lol. or maybe i havent found ‘the right person’. whatever that is.

at cc now. on the morning of birthday. lol. at 4.41am. waiting for friend’s parents to wake up before sending him back. then go back home and sleep. going to spent the rest of my birthday sleeping. so far on my birthday i’ve had a few firsts. i drove 300km nonstop for the 1st time. well i stopped once. stopped by the police in a roadblock. also for the 1st time. lol. nothing much, asked to look at IC and license. and also witness yet another bus accident. nowadays bus accidents happen every 2 days. lol. the bus i saw was a consortium bus. guessing its a kl-penang bus. yesterday was supposed to be my convo. but didnt go. petrol+toll not worth it if driving alone. planning on meeting up with old friends in penang, so if any of u guys are free gimme a call or text. 0173783161. friday friend’s wedding. sunday going back to kl. huargh. head… spinning…. hopefully i can reach my home. lol. but sometimes when driving while sleepy my "autopilot" doesnt do too badly. lol.

it would have to be something that has max (or 90% of its max) torque at 2k rpm, idles at 100-300rpm, has max hp at 4k rpm and has a fuel consumption of 40-70mpg (miles per gallon). oh, wait, isnt that a diesel car? lol. an aerodynamic coefficient of less than 0.29 and weighs less than 1200kg. has a boot space of 500++litres.

and yes, diesel cars ARE better than petrol. modern diesel engines produce less CO2 emissions, use less fuel, have better reliability, has better acceleration (and torque and hp) compared with a similiarly displaced petrol car and is basically better than a petrol. the fact that half of all of the cars sold in the UK (the world’s 3rd largest automotive market) are diesels proves that. we dont actually need petrol cars. most of us never rev our engines higher than 4k rpm (waste of fuel), so max hp at 4k rpm is ideal. and since diesels have more torque, the acceleration is better. a petrol car driver in a similiarly displaced car would have to redline it in order to get the amount of acceleration that a diesel car has. but that would further increase fuel consumption. small and midsized diesel cars average 50mpg. similiarly sized petrols average 30mpg. and that isnt counting performance oriented cars. which would do much less than 25mpg. so what is my point? reduce diesel roadtax for sub-2l cars and import more diesels. and help save the world.

Disclaimer: may contain intellectual and serious content.

This is the second time I’m writing this. In Microsoft word this time. On sister’s laptop. Take number 1 perished when the adaptor for the laptop was dislodged and the laptop shut down an hour later. And notepad doesn’t a rescue file thingy. so the document was empty. zzz. So I’ll try to remember the contents of what I had written last night with my ultra powerful memory and improvise to create the ultimate philosophical literature. if there is something that I don’t lack, it is confidence and cynism. and a sense of humour. hurm. Now I’m mixing my English between American and British. Which shows how deep I’ve sunken into the abyss that is bad English.

Choices. Why oh why do we have choices? having choices leads to doubt. and once the choice is made, there is a high possibility of regret. how many times have you heard yourself thinking "if only ….." or "what if i had ….?" its all an evolutionary process. in the primitive times there werent much choices. they were usually "kill or be killed", and the only questions our ancestors would ask themselves were "should i eat fruits and vegetables or should I try to kill that huge woolly mammoth in the middle of its group with this thingamajig somewhat sharp stone tied to the end of a stick?", or "should i follow my instincts and stick my dangly bit into the corresponding region of the female counterpart and start stroking her jiggly soft bits located on her chest, or should I face extinction?" and i guess we know what decision was made. if not we wouldnt be here. and those were fairly simple and easy choices to make. even though i wouldnt say that the primitive humans were as mentally advanced as we are right now i think that they can think and rationalize and also follow their instincts to get by and propagate til the current generation.

And hell yeah we have propagated. too much for my liking actually. The current state of our Earth can attest to that. I’m not saying that we should live like our ancestors did and lived in small colonies without the need to travel(major cause of pollution) or the need for technology(another major cause for pollution) and use only what is necessary (and sing kumbaya every night and get mauled by wild beasts or wiped out by aliens). Nor am I suggesting that we exterminate every1 that is deemed incompetent (actually I’ve been entertaining that idea for quite a while, but let’s assume I havent. maybe we should devise a test to determine the competence level of human beings in various applications and mental abilities. whoever fails 3 times before the age of 20 will be sacrificed. whoever turns 20 and hasnt passed will be killed too. or forced to work in concentration camps as cheap labour/slaves. except for the hot chicks. sorry, genetics need some blending too. ).

That would instill the necessary values in every human being. that would also increase the amount of respect for each other. kind of like the Spartan rule. every1 is born and bred to be a warrior, to respect their comrades/fellow citizens. because right now there are lots of useless people who dont actually deserve the respect that is given to them. again, its all about what you are born into. some very competent people might not have had to chance to prove themselves just because they werent born in the right family. and now the non malays are resenting the government and malays because of the malay special privileges. although i would have to say that i have enjoyed some of the privileges i would have to say that these same privileges are making us (malays) complacent and incompetent. one of the areas is in education. the malay quota. local universities have to accept malays to fill the quota before accepting other students from other races. and this leads to some undeserving malays being accepted not because of merit, but because there was a quota to fill. i would believe that acceptance based on merit is more fair. because it IS fair. that would in turn increase competition and make everyone work harder to earn their place. THAT is fair. but as most of all know, the world and life, in general isnt fair. to those that dont know that fact its probably ignorant and are the privileged few. yes, I’m talking about you, the rich kid that got everything he wanted in life, including his own company, car, house and everything from your parents and from knowing the right people. haha. but i would like to think that most of the people that read my blog are people that have a balanced perception of the world around them or are open to accept these facts even if they havent exactly seen or experienced them. of course i might be badly mistaken and the readers of this blog are actually idiots or people that have nothing better to do online. that, of course, is up to you, my fellow readers. (the term ‘fellow’ readers was used because I too am reading this. like, duh.)

Ok, back to the subject of merit. and that sacrificing incompetent people thingy. I truly believe in the natural law that is survival of the fittest. Although I may be useless in some ways, I believe I have something valuable to offer the world, and humanity in general. My mind. I believe that I have a pretty good intellect. And I think I could be a good writer. If someone out there is an editor and needs a writer for a magazine, consider contacting me.  tech magazines and auto magazines preferred. I have a deep ambition to be an automotive journalist and to test drive nice cars and share my experiences with others. But that’s just me. Back to the subject at hand. Which was, erm, I’m not sure. I have strayed abit far from the blog post title. But abit more on the current system in Malaysia. Malays have grown complacent. Corruption is rampant and the norm. even if you can’t bribe a cop, bribery is everywhere, especially in the higher levels of administration. And of course, politics. It is pretty common nowadays for a tender not to be given to the more deserving bidder, but the one with the most connections. Especially government tenders. I’ve heard of one big project that was put on hold because the tender was delayed. The reason for the delay? They were waiting for someone related to some politician to become a contractor and start a company before the bidding started and the tender was given. And you all know who got the tender. So favoritism AND corruption.

Oh dear. These are troubling times we live in. And top that fact with the fact that the contractors have bad workmanship, can’t build shit and can’t maintain shit. Yes, we Malaysian CAN build. Sometimes. And after countless delays. But we cant maintain something. Lots of government buildings with countless problems and fallen Nuri helicopters attest to that. Maybe its our mentality. I guess it’s the ‘lets get it over and done with’ thinking.

Ok. Back to the title. Choices. With choices comes doubt. And doubt is sometimes a good and bad thing. If you are doing something that you think is right and you have doubts, that isn’t a good thing. If you are doing something morally and legally wrong and having doubts, that shows you have a conscience. And that you are human. But what if the choices aren’t as simple as black and white, good or evil and the lines differentiating them are very thin and blurred? When the choices are good or better, or bad or worse? And what if we don’t know which is good and which is better, and which is bad or worse? That is the dilemma that we human beings are faced with almost on a daily basis. Which our ancestors didn’t face. Although some of the choices that were made are now written in history. Like Bill Gate’s and Michael Dell’s decisions to drop out of prestigious colleges. Or Japan’s choice to bomb Pearl Harbor when America decided to force a trade embargo towards Japan when the Axis countries started WWII. Maybe if the Japanese didn’t bomb Pearl Harbor the Axis would have won the 2^nd World War and Malaysia would be part of an ‘Autonomous Region of Great Japan’ or something. And America wouldn’t have been able to establish themselves as a world superpower and would self collapse. It is normal and human to have doubts. Having doubts is important because it would cause you to think further on the choices that you have and make the wisest decision. Or not. Of course, if you didn’t make that decision you wouldn’t know whether that decision was better or worse (we are talking about the grey lines, not something as obvious as black and white). And thinking can be good. It means that you are a product of evolution. You have a (at least partially ) functioning mind. Congrats! You deserve to live (to a certain extent)! Which leads me to the other topic in question. Regret. We all have regrets. Like “damn, I should have chatted up that hot chick that was alone at that bar, chances like that don’t come often”, or “I should have confessed my love to that girl before she got married”, or “I shouldn’t have tried to taser myself just because I couldn’t find anything else to try it on, except on my elder sis; while she is sleeping. But that would just be stupid and lead to more regret” (btw, I bought a taser. It works, but not as potent as I would have wanted. Which is the smoke rising from body and blackened skin effect. Of course, before buying I didn’t have someone to test it on. Its not polite to taser the seller. Or if I did taser myself before buying, maybe I wouldn’t have been (in the physical and mental condition to be) able to buy it if it were that strong. ). Ok. But I do believe that we shouldn’t depend TOO much our rationalizing abilities (it varies from person to person, but some people’s sense of logic and rationalities are pretty screwed up) and let our instincts and mind work hand in hand to make (maybe) the best decisions. Which, hopefully, is the right decision. But we wouldn’t know for sure, would we? So we cant be sure for certain that we made the best decision. So why think, rationalize and get headaches in the first place? Because we need to make the decision that has the least doubts and would most likely lead to the least amount of regret. Because regrets are killers. The last thing on a person’s mind when on his deathbed? His regrets. You betcha. Between praying to God and asking for forgiveness, he/she is regretting the decisions made in his life. Like stealing from the orphanage he/she used to volunteer at. Or beating up his (maybe ex)wife. And so on. So how do we make decisions we wont regret, you ask? Well, there isn’t a general answer for the various choices given to us. But you should about it hard enough and ask for opinions from others (make sure that they are people who you respect, are respected by society in general and have a sound head on their shoulders) and don’t forget to factor in your intuition and instinct.

I’ve been reading about this book, “the powers of your subconscious mind”. And usually your subconscious mind knows better. Think of it as a higher reasoning. The book tells a lot about healing powers, the laws of attraction and how to harness the power of the subconscious mind to lead a full fulfilling and happy life. And by reading that book I might have reached a turning point in my life. Maybe for the better. Maybe not. Still, I believe that reading it beats Hairy Pothead anytime. We have enough entertainment in our lives. Too much entertainment to develop a balanced mind and mentality. Which leads to incompetence. So does that mean that I have figured out what is wrong with society? Yes. And I’m not the 1^st to do that. The problem is to bring change. When people become complacent, they do not desire change. Which, in my words, leads to mind rotting. Bringing change to society is much harder than following the norms. That’s why most socio and political changes are revolutions and more often than not, require the use of force.

Another topic. Resent. There are many instances in which the choices you have are not decided by you. Usually they are decided by your parents, your friends, your superior, teacher, or possibly anyone. Hell, someone you might not even know could make a decision on something and it could affect you (that is the state of world and society we live in, and yes, it sucks). And when the decisions that were made for you weren’t for your own good (or was the best compromise considering the other choices you were faced with. But you will never know whether that choice was the worst decision. Not until someone creates a time machine  ) So when the decisions made for you don’t lead you to the best peace of mind, happiness and creates doubt and regret, there is bound to be resent. Because at some stage of everyone’s life, there will be a decision that was made for that person, whether he/she wanted it or not. And resent isn’t a very good feeling. People that have resent towards other people aren’t the happiest bunch of people in this world. Even though I might seem to be, erm, well developed mentally(?), I do have resent towards some people. Namely, my parents. And I am a product of my environment. If you think I’m an asshole, blame my parents. If you think I’m pretty nice and ok, well thank my parents. I refuse to take blame or accept responsibility for my actions. ;P . Cause I believe that they have made some important life changing decisions which I did not agree upon. Which lead to my resent. And rebelliousness. I didn’t want to study at UTM. And many of you might already know that. I considered quitting several times, but my parents insisted on me staying. So I stayed. But I still didn’t ‘study’ at UTM. I spent most of my time harboring resent towards my parents while attending the minimum passing attendance rate for class while playing dota and enjoying life. Hell, u cant spend all of your waking time hating someone can you? That wouldn’t be healthy. 

Another thing about the subconscious mind. It says that once you imprint some image or thought into your subconscious mind, it will assume it is true and work towards making it reality. So let’s say you dreamt of something. Like going somewhere and doing something there. And its not something that you usually do or have never done before. It is either your conscious mind putting an imprint on your subconscious OR it is you subconscious telling you what is going to happen. Because in truth, the subconscious mind knows the future. And let’s say you remember that dream. But you just don’t realize or remember where you got that experience from (dream). And so when the time comes that you actually do the exact same things that u “experienced” in your dreams (but you don’t know it’s a dream, you just feel like you’ve done it before), you get the feeling of déjà vu. And that is what déjà vu is. And so I have solved another of life’s mysteries. Damn I’m on a roll. Almost everything that happens can be linked to the subconscious mind. And practically all unexplainable happenings are attributed to the subconscious mind.

Ok, you must think that I’ve gone crazy, spewing forth bullshit after bullshit. “What the hell is this dude thinking???”, “He must have gone whack!”, or “Whatever he is on, I want some too!” But sadly to say, no. I’m not (knowingly) on any drugs. I’m trying to sound like some evangelist that preaches stuff, so I will leave it at that. If you are interested on learning more, get the book I mentioned. Maybe it can change your life too. At least I would give you a more positive outlook on life. Which I believe is important. I’m a naturally a pessimist. I have a very analytical nature. So I find faults easily, am somewhat easily discouraged when I don’t see results of my work, and don’t have the nicest personality. Which I blame on my upbringing. Haha.

had a weird dream last night. very weird. i dreamt that a friend of mine (female) had died. and why isnt it a nightmare, u ask? well because i had conversations with her ghost. hurm. which was the weird part. her death was the cruel and inhuman kind (she was kidnapped, raped, then murdered). hurm. and the conversations with her ghost was about revenge, the afterlife and obtaining peace. i guess its about becoming more religious. and it is a dream, so its not exactly true. cos if im not mistaken in islam there are no such things as ghosts. when u die u spend ur days in the grave where u will be tortured(unless if ur some1 that is very religious) until armageddon, where every1 that has ever lived will rise from their graves and meet at the judgement place. there their deeds and sins will be weighed and they will either go to heaven or hell. so about the dream. its also a testament about how unsafe the world is nowadays. especially in malaysia. cos the pressures of the current environment creates more "dropouts" in life. as in people with no real goal, purpose or meaning in life. and almost all of the time these individuals end out becoming criminals. and their minds turn out not to be the best. so more will go to those mentally ill hospitals or jails, depending on the severity of their mind conditions. and how do we stop this from happening? easy. abolish the current education system (which is basically a memorize and regurgitate system) and go for something that is more creativity based. so that people will learn what they want to learn. and not inhibit their imagination. free minds are hard to come by nowadays. of course another way to reduce the pressure society puts on people is to convert everything to communism. that is a more thorough way. of course, that will inhibit a lot of things. too much for people to want. but the current state of society which is very bad and ill is the product of government policies. the japs have a very safe society. crimes rates are among the lowest. girls can go out alone at night. in malaysia if u were a girl and u were alone at night and took public transport (not in a car) u would be stupid and most likely to get into some deep shit. kidnap and rape comes to mind, maybe murder too. its too common these days. of course it does depend on where u are. some places in this country are safer than others. but still, anywhere in this country there is a potential criminal. some criminals arent hardcore (as in multiple crimes, in and out of jail). some are law abiding citizens until something inside them snaps and they go rogue. so next time u see some dude, just think of him as a potential criminal. me included. i believe its the pressure caused by expectations. most jobs here arent the kinds that can be inherited. so u have to study, get good grades and get some job. in some places if u just didnt like school u could just be a farmer like ur dad or work at some place like a bar/restaurant/shop/etc. in places like kl the cost of living is too high for some1 that earns something from spm qualifications. so with money constantly in ur head its like a timebomb waiting to happen.

having pounding headaches these few days. dunno why. and yes they pound. the back of my head. i think that part controls the memory and eyesight. it might be the turpentine that i inadvertedly smelled while painting my mom’s arts and crafts homework. or it could be something else. maybe i have some sort of illnes (other than GERD and eosophigitis) like brain tumour or something. and hell, maybe my fate is to die young. might as well go when ur young than when u have a wife and kids. or course i would prefer that i go while i am a pious person, not as the current me. which would probably go to hell. yeah, i havent been fulfilling my responsibilities as a muslim. and i know of lots more that are like that. im not pointing fingers or anything. thats not the point. cos its between me and god. and to properly call myself a muslim i have to buck up religiously. asap. about the dying young thing. normal people shouldnt think like that. u should be thinking i cant die yet, i have lotsa things to do and wanna do (which wont be done even if u live til 100 cos u wont have the time/money for it). but i am not a normal person. i can be a perfectionist, the most obsessive compulsive person ever or the most relaxed laid back person. adding that i used to have adhd (attention deficit hyperactive disorder) when i was a kid throws a curveball into the equation. i get bored easily. but i’ve now gotten used to it rather than jumping up and down on chairs like i did at school in the US (which got me sent 1 grade lower lol) and tend to sleep off the boredom. or play with the cat, or listen to the ipod or something (ilario graziano has one of the best voicest ever) or just sleep it off. which i tend to do a lot nowadays. and i can be the person that does something without thinking or the most apprehensive person that has to think and analyse my future actions ten times before doing it. or not. so i am not the most motivated person ever(my exam results reflect that fact nicely lol). that would prove problematic if i were to get a job. i would pass the interview, i have everything an interviewer wants. i know that cos i am very composed and dont lack in confidence, general knowledge nor thinking capacity(hell i think i have a very good mind. creative, analytical thinking, u name it i got it). the problem is after i get a job. i wouldnt be the hardest worker. unless if i wanted to. i can be very enthusiastic and proactive. but not often enough. so i hope no hr manager/job provider reads this blog. hurm.

okay, turns out that the headaches were a sign. it meant that i was now a psychic and can read minds. oh wait thats not it. it meant that i was gonna get a flu. which i have right now. woot. nothing better to wake u up than a nose that is as clogged as the sg petani hospital pipe with sanitary napkins in it. so i couldnt breathe through any of my nostrils. was it that bad? yeah, considering the phlegm  (or whatever they call it) is in the nostrils, nose cavity, throat and made my head feel 2kgs heavier. felt like i was semi drowned the whole day. and after some phlegm cleaning up (luckily i have big lungs and a strong diaphragm) there was some blood in it. must be the overexcessive force of trying to clean it up. after jacking myself up with vitamins and minerals, some panadol and some flu medicine i am ready to get to sleep. but sleeping sucks when ur nose is dribbling clear thin waterlike liquid and u wake up with half ur face and part of the pillow wet.